Face the Fear, See in its Eyes: Find Yourself

By: Shilpi Gupta

We all pass through the phase when we stand between two important sides of our lives. We experience this inbetweeness once or several times for short-term or for a long duration in our life. I too had experienced and kept living through the similar stage in my life.  However, when I was experiencing it the most, I was not conscious of my situation of being in this ‘inbetween’ state. My unconscious mind was pushed back into the darkness which was full of fear. The fear which had no name but many names. The fear of feeling different from everyone around, the fear of not being understood, the fear to dream, the fear of being called selfish, insane, shameless, disobedient and many more. Naturally, I vegetated, hibernated, and locked myself inside the room, crying, not talking to parents and ignoring friends. I saw myself weak and useless in their eyes. Even I tried not to talk about my fear, but I lived within that. I was alone fighting with my fear or maybe submitting myself to the fear and losing to the darkness.  Whenever a mirror reflected me –I only saw myself as the one who has no power within to stand.  I was completely chained in that state of darkness and fear. I had no words to explain my fear, but at the same time, it had the urge to come out of me.

At that moment I tried many defence strategies to show that I was normal and smart like everyone around.  I disowned those parts of myself that others disapproved.  I used rage to drive others away and to insulate myself against the vulnerability. I reciprocated with anger to the questions that came to me. I internalised rage and contempt, and I hated others and myself. I remained ignorant of the fact that I was afraid, and that it was fear that held me petrified, frozen in stone.  I was not able to see my scared face in the mirror. Consequently, I was unconscious of my inner self.

This unconsciousness was a state which took a year of my life and almost made me hopeless- that was the period when I already passed my school and wanted to go to a university. I was home with my parents, but still, I was alone because nobody understood my restlessness. I wanted to study – but what I wanted to study, where to study, and how to get information were some questions which were haunting me at that moment. I was a girl, and that doubled my problems because I realised that I could not access many places alone without male family members.  Even all these questions and problems did not convince me to stop my studies.  I tried to occupy myself in other activities; I went to the kitchen with my mother. However, I was contained in a feeling which I was neither able to understand nor able to explain to others; I was without strength and words. I did not know where and how to express what I felt at that moment. The small place where I was living did not give me the privilege to seek help from any counsellor.  I was in rage, anger and fear at the same time – in complete darkness.

That moment was meaningless for people around me, but it holds my life. All my effort to free my mind from the idea of studying in a university was in vain. I was not able to free myself. I was going deeper and deeper into the darkness, and I came to a point where I said to myself “I was useless”.  I had the consciousness of my “uselessness”, and then I realised that I had to come out of my inner conflict. I stood and started looking for the meaning hidden in me. I failed many times but continued to find myself.

The inner struggle could fail sometimes but also could lead toward becoming more of who we are. Many of us who go through this state do not even understand their confusing state and remain in that state of fear for a longer time, sometimes for the whole life. Comprehending through my experiences, the phase of changing our lives from school to university, from the stage of young to adult, most of us feel different from others or in the state of ‘in-between’ where we struggle with ourselves more than others.  This fear becomes double, being a girl in a patriarchal society.  This inbetweeness which has monstrous face sometimes leads us to think and reflect on our life but most of the time it takes our whole life, and we do not realise.  Moreover, to escape from the threat of shame and fear, we take on repetitious activities as though to keep ourselves busy, we roam around city among strange faces to distract ourselves, we keep doing things without any interest and keeping awareness away.

The consciousness which one could achieve, being in that state is ‘not given’, and neither “one could save others”. However, the fear itself makes us stronger, and we start moving from “being useless” to meaningful. The wound which we suffer has its cure inside. I think most of us go through this phase of life, some of us get out of it, but most of us are lost and do not overcome this fear. At this point, we should try to search for ‘those mirrors’ where we are not judged but where we get the knowledge and consciousness.  Sometimes those mirrors are the people who have already overcome this stage and have the potential to listen, understand and share the inner conflicts. They could build a bridge with us to cross this state of fear and stand with our wish and desire.